For some reason there are good days and bad days. But dang this waiting is hard. There are times when I believe the lies that if only I had done things differently or maybe if I had been better we wouldn’t have to wait this long, but that is not how God works or maybe if I ate better or ran more or worked harder or started younger or didn’t like my job or had a better job (Feel free to laugh, I know the last one is ridiculous but again it doesn’t have to be logical). Silly me.

I wish I could just make things appear or bargain with God or just fix something or just make the adoption happen if I snapped my fingers. Or if I had more or less or different. Sometimes I wish this waiting was a punishment because I could just fix it or something. Sometimes it feels like this waiting is a punishment when it is so easy for so many people – like they have done something right. But that is a lie.

I know truth. I know that I am so undeserving. I am more aware than ever that I am undeserving. I know that God is good but this waiting is the hardest. Just the hardest. That hopeless feeling that creeps in is the worst, but it is a lie. Just a big fat lie from the devil. “For he comes to steal, kill, and destroy BUT I have come to bring you life and life to the fullest.”

But when everything tangible shows you that you have done things wrong and are doing things the wrong way it is hard to believe the truth. It is hard to get out of the health and wealth gospel – as long as I do thinks right then I will continue to get blessings.  I am so thankful I don’t have to earn grace because I would never get there.  That is why I love this verse:

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Hebrews 11:1

We had a lovely Thanksgiving. We had fun with family and finished the night off with friends, beer and conversation and who could not be thankful for beer.

Thank you everyone who has wanted to be a part of this journey with us. Thank you to those who have donated, called, and served us – we.are.undeserving. We have applied for a few grants and will start hearing back in December. We are ALMOST half way there financially. According to our adoption referral once we get half way there financially we can begin presenting our portfolio. Thank you friends for being our community and listening to my rants.