I am not sure if this is an appropriate post or not…if not then I give you permission to judge. I see a lot of blogs and a lot of people really have their ducks in a row.  My ducks are not even in the same room or country for that manner. I hope I don’t sound like Debbie Downer here. I don’t mean to.

Picture 360

I don’t know how to be a mom. I love my kid like crazy but I still struggle with the day to day of being a mom. He is about to be done with a bottle and baby food and on to finger foods. I eat like crap. The books say to feed him what I eat…I drink the Coke with fake sugar and cookies with frosting if I actually eat during the day.

I don’t know how to be an adoptive mom – I don’t know that many adoptive moms so I am kind of reading blogs and books and figuring it out and I still love my kid like crazy and know that I LOVE that he is adopted – he is my miracle. I grieve for his birthmom and I love her like crazy. And that is OK.  Nightly I look at him and I can’t believe I get to be his mom. I know in a few years he could be grieving her as well or maybe not and could see adoption as wonderful as I do. I pray nightly that Jesus will fill the gaps that I can’t fill – but maybe all moms pray that as well.

I don’t know how to be a mom to a boy. I grew up with two sisters and pink and giggling – many weeks there could have been six girls if each of us Harrison girls had a friend over which means 12 conversations going on. That was our house. But I love my wild, crazy boy and just go with it and follow the mess and scream and move fast when he does and when I have nothing else I lie on the floor and allow him to crawl over me and stick his finger my mouth (which for some reason makes him giggle really loud these days).

And here’s a weird one…I don’t know how to be a mom to a multi-racial kid. I am not sure what to do with his wonderful curly hair or his little dry knees…although that may be a characteristic of any kid. You Tube is my best friend these days. I get looks in the grocery store where people wonder about my past or my mate. Someone has looked at my husband and asked if he was the dad…seriously – It’s nonya business peeps. Well it is everyone’s business that he is E’s dad but that you are curious if maybe I had another mate and had Emerson may have been the case…Like Salt ‘n Pepper said – It’s none of yo business (I am obviously speaking to onlooker. You guys know he was adopted and I had no past mate but if you were wondering…It’s none of your business…sorry now I have that song in my head and I keep thinking of the movie with Will Ferrell where he continues to quote TLC songs). Anyway, that comment a few sentences ago was at a Big Lots so you can’t expect much but I don’t know how to cheerfully move a comment along or respond gracefully or witty…I am just not that girl.  I do know how to turn bright red and make everyone uncomfortable. Ya know…I am still figuring out this road. Those darn ducks are just all out of wack.

All that to say, I am just trying to figure out how to be a mom. How to be an adoptive mom to a wild, crazy and wonderful boy whose skin is different than mine. I am giddy to be able to do it but I can’t be the only one who googles “bi-racial baby boy hair.” Or googles “finger foods for baby who hates eggs and broccoli and only likes ham and cheese.” Honestly, I am just trying to figure out how to do what I do. Does that make sense? I sometimes feel like I have no clue how to be a wife or do my job or a woman or a follower of Jesus or a owner of a dog or get the damn ants out of our bathroom. Geez. If you stuck with to the end of this than props – this is a long post with no pictures. I really like pictures in my blog.